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19 September 2008 @ 03:01 pm
 
Query writing sucks. No matter how many times I try, it never gets any better!

The latest query hook for Nemesis behind the cut. Weak, and this is the best I've come up with after more than an hour.



Mercy’s not just another combat pilot in the Commonwealth civil war. She’s a telepath - an outlawed Talent she has to keep secret, or she’ll be exiled from the very civilization she’s fighting to save. And everyone knows that exile is a death sentence. Or they did, until the ship Mercy’s stationed on comes across a derelict vessel, the Nemesis, that isn’t so derelict after all. Turns out it’s crewed by pirates. Descendants of the men and woman exiled centuries ago for the very Talent Mercy possesses. And they’ve been looking for her.

It seems they need Mercy – she’s the direct descendant of a powerful line of Talented women, women who have led the pirates for the last four generations. Now, Mercy’s meeting a family she never knew she had, but half of her new ‘cousins’ want to kill her, and the other half, to use her. Worse, her own government fears the exiled telepaths so much, they unleashed a terrible virus that’s wiped out half the pirates’ population. Between trying to navigate the murky politics of her new ‘family’ and discovering ugly truths about the government she’s sworn to serve, Mercy doesn’t know who to trust. And for a ship full of telepaths, there are a surprising number of secrets.

Just shoot me now. Ugh.
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xlana: commaxlana on September 19th, 2008 10:33 pm (UTC)
personally, i like it. are the query blurbs supposed to sound like what is printed on the back of the paperback? because that's what your blurb sounds like and if i picked this book up, i'd *definitely* be intrigued. (-:
"Connoisseurs of Difficulty": Girl Talkkistha on September 20th, 2008 12:11 am (UTC)
Ditto, but I think the query rules vary wildly. Good query? I don't know, but it is a great blurb.
rhienelleth: wash - ladytirimasurhienelleth on September 22nd, 2008 04:39 pm (UTC)
*sigh* And therein lies the problem! Good blurb does not necessarily a good query make. *grumbles*
purple_shoes on September 20th, 2008 12:14 am (UTC)
I agree with xlana. I haven't done a query letter yet (yech, not happy thinking about it) so I'm not really sure what they entail. But I do really like it, especially the last line. As a reader, it seems very interesting to me. But unfortunately I can't give you much help as if I were reading it as an agent or publisher. :-(