Log in

No account? Create an account
10 April 2009 @ 10:44 am
Public post about the donation drive.  
At the urging of a few people, I'm reposting this in a public post so anyone who wants to help can have access to our story, and the donation drive:

So. I've been fairly open - behind filters and friends-locks - about the situation the hubby and I are in regarding kids, and not being able to have them. But for those who don't know, the situation is this: I went into premature menopause at age 33, three months after miscarrying a pregnancy that took us a year and a half to have.

It seems so simple when you boil down those two years into that one sentence. Stripped of all the emotional pain and ups and downs, it's easy to say, I suppose. The truth is, there has been so much turmoil built into every step of this road, it's too hard for me to go into it all again and again; that, and I'm not so sure I want to bare all of myself in so public a post. Suffice it to say, these past few years have been some of the hardest and most painful of my life.

Yesterday, I turned 35. It was a depressing birthday for me, for many reasons, but mostly for that one. I'm 35. No kids. The only way we can have them, barring a miracle (you never know, God can do whatever He wants, though that hope is hard to hold onto), is via a donor egg and in vitro fertilization. Ignoring all of the psychological things that go along with this is the cost - on average, $22,000 to go through with that procedure. The current economy doesn't help that figure become any more manageable.

(And please, if you're reading this for the first time, don't suggest adoption. For a baby, it's no more affordable than the donor egg route, and there are even more hoops to jump through, but besides that, I have a personal history with adoption that means I will probably never adopt. Yes, it's personal paranoia, but growing up, my family lived through several years of what was literally a nightmare, because of an adoption in which the state was dishonest with us. I will not willingly EVER put myself in a situation where that even MIGHT happen again.)

So, donor egg = very expensive. Even the Hail Mary acupuncture, herbal treatments and special dieting stuff I'm currently trying is very expensive, because insurance won't cover anything remotely related to 'fertility', and covers very, very little of anything non-western in medicine. Ours, anyway.

For my birthday this year, my friends and family decided to run a donation drive to help raise money to help us. There are so many things out there so much more important than our situation. At the same time, until you've gone through something like this, you have no idea how much it means that people are willing to reach out and help. I don't think any words can express the grief and pain that my husband and I have experienced. People who don't know just can't understand, not really. I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen my husband cry. Once, when his grandfather died, once when we lost our baby, and again when we got the news that I was in premature ovarian failure, and then twice since, both having to do with this situation. I've said it before. The only thing I can compare it to is the death of my father, but instead of mourning the life lost, we're mourning the life that might never be. And it's a constant roller coaster. Raised hopes, only to have them disappointed. So many people have said things to us like "Oh, well. You don't have to have kids to be happy!" or "Well, at least you can travel." As though our situation is a blessing in disguise. I assure you, it is not. It's painful. It's a constant battle to hold onto hope, to fight depression, to not be angry at the situation. Every time someone we know gets pregnant, it's a bittersweet moment for us. Meanwhile, our fight to have children just gets harder.

But for every person who says something that comes across as thoughtless, there seems to be another who will hug me, and prays for us to have a miracle. I am in absolute awe that people - some people who have never even met us, and likely never will - are so willing to reach out and help. To offer emotional support, and even donate monetary funds to help us reach our goal. It is humbling, it is the very definition of charity, and it is one of the most beautiful things I have experienced. Thank you so very much! You don't know what that support means to us.

The donation drive has already helped us pay for some of the initial costs, raising over $500 to help with the first $2000 of the $22,000 or so for the donor egg journey. I'm also doing weekly acupuncture and herbal treatments, which run about $400/month.

*takes a deep breath*

Wow, it's really hard for me to put all of this out here. I'm more of a private person, I guess. But I do know that a donation drive is easier to manage if everyone who wants to participate can reach it. So, thank you, Ann and Gabby, for running it, and thank you to all of you who have or intend to donate to help. The paypal donation link is below:

Current Mood: gratefulgrateful