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03 February 2012 @ 04:52 am
It's 4am and I can't sleep.  
Hello livejournal. It's been one of those nights. I went to bed at 11:00. Zoey, our lab/husky mix, is having a bad night, and like kids and parents, when she has a bad night, so do I. An hour after going to sleep, she got me up to let her out. And again, twenty minutes after that. She hasn't been able to settle down, and rather than keep the husband awake, I've taken her out to the living room with me.  I think in a few hours when the rest of the world is awake with me, I'll be calling the vet and taking her in. 

I'll admit, part of the reason I can't go back to sleep has nothing to do with Zoey's restless behavior, and is much more about me worrying. Awhile back, we noticed a lump on Zoey. Concerned, we pointed it out to the vet. It didn't seem to be causing Zoey any discomfort, and the vet was pretty unconcerned. Apparently, these are often just "fatty deposits" and nothing to worry over. Well, recently that lump has suddenly doubled, if not tripled in size. Instead of a golf ball, it is the size of a baseball. And now, for the first time, it appears to be causing her pain. Mark reached out to pet her tonight when she was being restless, and she yipped like he'd hurt her. He said his hand had touched the lump. I think part of her restlessness is due to discomfort. We've also noticed lately that when Julius tries to play with her, she often gets really grumpy with him. Now, she's had some arthritis issues for a few years, and sometimes she lets him know when she hurts too much for their usual vigorous play. But I think it's become a more frequent occurrence. 

This is happening, of course, right when we can least afford it. I'm sure you all recall back in November, when our cat Julius was sick, and needed several of his teeth pulled. I knew then that Zoey's lump was probably going to need to be looked at, but one crisis at a time, right? It's funny. Things were tight in November. I was on unemployment, and we were making it, but without a cushion to absorb things like cat dental surgery. Luckily, a lot of really wonderful, generous people were kind enough to donate or buy jewelry, and that was how Julius was able to get that surgery. Now, a few short months later I still can't find a job, and my unemployment has run out. Things are even worse than they were in November. But not taking Zoey in is no longer an option. Pain means we're taking her to the vet. 

I know what this means. While I don't know how much it will cost, I'm guessing in the hundreds of dollars. They'll want to x-ray her, I'm guessing. There are now several small lumps on her stomach, and a new one we just found tonight on her side. They are all about the size of my thumb, or smaller, nothing in the neighborhood of The Big One. But there are five or six of them. I'm assuming they will want to remove the large lump, at least. Which means knocking her out and cutting it out. Then they will, I'm guessing, have it tested, biopsied or whatever. I have no idea how much all of that will cost, or how we will pay for it. These are the things I'm turning around in my head at 4:00 am. They say things come in threes. Well, we had Julius and his surgery, then Nimue needed to be fixed, and now...

But more than the money, I am really, really worried about that test. One of Mark's family dogs died of cancerous tumors when he was in college. She'd had surgery to remove them, and then the cancer just seemed to come back with a vengeance, and new tumors grew really fast. They grew into her lungs, and they had to put her down. Zoey is only eight years old, and she is definitely Mark's dog. He is her special person, and as tough as he acts, he will be devastated if he loses her like that. 

So I'm sitting here, with Zoey finally asleep beside me, praying it's not cancer, and that lump is somehow just fatty tissue that has grown overnight for no reason. And that the pain it now appears to be causing her is just because it's a big fatty lump. :( 

I'm also considering putting up another donation link. I hate the idea of asking people to donate again, when so many just helped with Julius. But I don't know what else to do. I could raffle off more pairs of earrings, I guess. Ironically, last month was the best month in jewelry sales I have ever had. But those sales still didn't come close to what I was getting on unemployment. But they did help make ends meet, and I'm hoping some of that will happen again this month. I've been working on jewelry everyday. I have a large order from some friends I've been working my way through, new things I've been making and adding to the store, and I've got my first custom wedding ring order, which is very exciting. It almost feels like a real job for the first time. Unfortunately, it's still not a real job with a regular pay check. 

I don't know. :( I thought writing all of this out might make me feel better and less anxious, but that does not seem to be the case.
celli on February 3rd, 2012 02:59 pm (UTC)
rhienelleth: Angel_Buffyrhienelleth on February 3rd, 2012 05:03 pm (UTC)
Thanks :) I've managed to snatch two hours of sleep, and that seems to help my outlook a little.
roseaponiroseaponi on February 3rd, 2012 03:25 pm (UTC)
It's a good time for a Valentine's Day boost.

Speaking of boosting, I'll be happy to boost the signal for you again :)
rhienellethrhienelleth on February 3rd, 2012 05:04 pm (UTC)
You're right. :) Maybe I could offer either earrings or one of my sweetheart pendants this time around.
kistha on February 3rd, 2012 10:38 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry sweetness. Life just seems to suck lately, you know? And I'll see about boosting the signal.

Loves to you!

Edited at 2012-02-03 10:38 pm (UTC)